Back from the darkness

INTRODUCTION

Well I have decided to start writing again now and now its going to be more in depth about whats going on in my life. I want to talk about my odd and unusual inner mind, my experience's all sorts really. So what do I have to talk about, loads of things I'm going to write a fucking books worth so that all u freaks can feel easy that you are most likely insane to even read it.

THAT BASTARD DRINK

I had some alcoholic beverage some months back and it really altered my clarity, only now are colours starting to be absorbed by my eyes again. It's a strange feeling when you walking along and the sparkles of colour start to make sense again. I believe that alcohol is a real poison to the mind, I am sure that its constitutes to the slow progress of the human evolution. Ok most artists on the past have enjoyed drinking mass quantities of alc drinks but I think that was to course some kind of altered mental state which repressed happiness thus equaling to the urge to create a better personal existence. Anyway hopefully in a weeks time I can paint again because I personally prefer to have a pure and clear mind allowing for much more vivid visions. I have also decided that I will soon be exploring oil painting in the near future.

MY NEW AMERICAN FRIEND

Tessa is my new online friend and she has helped me invoke my artistic thirsts again. She is a deep lady who I can really relate to and chat with about all my problems. She as been a godsend to me which I have needed, I have started up a chat site and feel very encourage by her kind words. Here's to you Tessa.

MY OLD FRIEND

My old friend Catherin as become more of a problem to me as I feel that she as been a bad influence on me. I feel that she is lost in some form of madness that she is unaware of and I don't care really for how she would take what I am writing. I also feel that she is a artist wannabe in many way's and lives in the shadows of knowledge from her academic and educated mind that lives in self. Even her art is murky and lacks any real vision only that of her need for love and physical pleasure. I can't even pity her any more and am tired of trying to encourage her to develop. She as lied to me saying that she wasn't competitive but I have seen her envy at me and afterwards the bitterness consumed her to retreat from art. She is a dreamer but with such bleak vision. I do not to go near her anymore as she is negative omen.

OFFENSIVE AND ANGRY ART PIECE

I am currently working on a piece of art that I can't seem to stop thinking about, well I am not working on it at the moment because of that shite drink I had but anyway. Its going to be a fusion of comic illustration with some interesting and raw painting techniques. I want to mix together some outrageous violence with horror together with a kind of giger look. Dark and sinister with some added bloody aesthetics. I will most probably add some strong abusive language to the painting as well. So far I have a giant gay creature standing in a pool of blood surrounded by dead body parts and limbs. Nice stuff hey. Should I care of course fucking not.

The Club Demons Painting

This painting represents so much to me, its a kind of mental vision that relates to my own experiences at going out to various bars and clubs. Feelings and emotions of despair, discontent ect. I feel that through the consumption of alcohol a kind of mental kaos erupts into men and women. I only look down at this behaviour like when we all see the police clips of drunks being arrested after fights and brawls. I have myself been involved in this kind of drunken behaviour and it gives me sickening flashbacks of uncontrolled behaviour and primitive experience's. It also portrays how men compete like animals to safe guard there sexually tagged women and at the same time disrespecting women while they are intoxicated to take control and exploit their condition. I could go on but that's it for now. more stuff soon I hope depends on my mood.

My thoughts on love and women

Today I am in allot of pain, mainly because I feel like I am to soft to be considered a worthy enough lover to women in general. I have a lady friend whom I feel so much for and have recently considered wanting to have moments of passion with. Fun discovery's exploring my sexual urges towards her and I have told her how I feel about this but she has some reasons for not wanting this which I am respecting, as I don't want to spoil my friendship with her. I do feel sad now though because she is the only lady I have contact with and who I trust with my feelings.

DESPERATION THE TURN OFF

Generally women don't want the man to desire them, so I think because I express myself well they tend to think I need to get physical to much. Most men do want sex loads and its corrupting women into believing that all men want cold sexual encounters where as I see sexual exploration as an act of euphoric joy, a bliss which takes us off this planet more so when you can connect with women on a deep mental level.

HOW ALPHA MEN TREAT THE TEN A PENNY WOMEN

I also believe women can identify with men who are cool about the sexual act. I think that is one of the main reasons why women seem to find the wrong types of men the alpha male. I know why as I imagine how women perceive this type of man, firstly I think its that they don't show any anxiety's towards the presence of a beautiful lady and show a bold form that is instinctual attractive to them, Second because men who don't respect or look up to women tend to be more relaxed when communicating with women and can speak with ease without concern of offending. Third it appears easier alpha males to be able to laugh and joke about sex and things that to me are serious because of the euphoric intensity from making love. Prudity is a sensitivity so I don't believe it when women say they looking for sensitivity in a man as they seem to ridicule men for this

CONCLUSION

Well I may be addressing the problem and yeah I can see that I have got problems but I'm not going to change my way's to appeal more to women, I am an individual and embrace this. I somehow love to be innocent towards the experiences of love making and believe if one corrupts themselves in the name of sexual experiences the more it loses its feeling. I would never even consider paying for a sexual encounter as I would lose all self respect and would lose the innocence of being true about love. I am in pain though and emotions of bitterness, jealousy are evident in my mind even to levels of anguish but never less my heart is pure and I will sacrifice it. I am special and if women don't want me I love who I am which is more important. we all alone anyway.