Posted by Richard on Saturday, 25 August 2007
Expressions of my mind and self
I am a very distanced person and mainly through choice, and I consider that I lack an interest in things that to most people are natural and normal. For a while now I have observed the general behaviour of people in society and have noticed how fearless they really are especially considering how cruel modern society as become. I believe that in many way's its more about survival of the strongest minds rather than physically fittest. I also think that we at an age where the least intelligent of people succeed because of their absence of thought. People with traits such as ignorance, incompetence, selfishness, insensitive, greedy do well and that really helps in understanding just man as lost moral. So because of these observations I find people are best avoided at all costs and take no interest in communicating to these simple minded people. I will go on to talk about how my mind seems to operate.
For me this is not only a much needed state of mind its something I do without even having control over. My moods can be severally altered by out the world appears visually around me. I can imagine new things to help survive say a dull day. I live in quite a boring town with hardly much in the way of beautiful scenery. But through delusion I can daydream and kid myself that over the hills or house's there is a a seascape or lake surrounded by mountains. I can actually pull out imagery that exists in my mind into reality at time. If need be I could position a giant walking down my street crushing all I dislike or anything that happiness to appear from request. Even the buildings around me can be smashed up as if I am living in an apocalyptic landscape or have the floor cracked open descending into lava pits. I can even invent a character that co-exists in this world like if its dark and dismal I would pretend that I am a vampire lurking in the shadows or anything I so desire.
One of the greatest things I live for is my dreamworld, Its not even as bad as my day dreams and thing in my dreams seem more down to earth than anything. I look for jobs, I travel on bus's, I go out at night to clubs. Its almost as if I am at times more involved with life in my dreams. I can look into them while awake and travel through the timed events of the storyboard within my nights dreams and walk around into other areas that were experienced at other times previous. Its also strange that I tend to add new areas and people to my dreams months afterwards. It seems it takes a while for my dream state to acknowledge the things around me. Dreams are like a photo album of place's and image's not only that but even small virtual space in which to move. I think the mind holds on to certain views. I can explain by saying that its like the brain works like pathways from one image to the next. Even in the day we are always connecting one thought to next as if we need to leap constantly. I can look even deeper still and have noticed that so far withing the mind I could be many things at once traveling at the speed of light around the brain itself. I can on occasion see within my soul hurtling through the mass tunnels of thought as if on a roller coaster from place to place but this is a either my imagination or in fact a deep connection with how my mind operates within.
I will take this time to talk about the power of imagination, most people today seem to think of it as a way to draw something or design something, or make a movie etc. But its a very powerful tool or state in which more research needs to go into. I can at time even use it to such a level as if I had psychic abilities. I can look into the iris of someones eye and develop an imaginary world of them. Thus giving me an insight into many things they seem to be and it as worked with extraordinary results even to making people rather afraid or tingle with this. Again its not all about the eye as well judge people really well even before we get to this point and things are being told to us even without us realising it. I think if people used this more in the world people would be able to understand each other better.
I must feel depressed a good 50 percent of the time, and before you say it I can be my worst enemy. On most occasion's my depression is because of my low opions of people and by the world I am surrounded by for example lack of work, no social life, I have no personal long term friends, I've been betrayed more times than I can think of, lack of traditional culture, my fears of the modern transportation system, and I am also not a grabbing person but have to suffer for lack of status and feeling powerless while others seem to have a future paved out. There are many more reasons and maybe it is that I have had depression passed down by my family. To some extent I bring on depression willingly and tend to embrace times of self pity, I have always liked who I am and love to pamper myself from times of depression. Also I tend to like the drama in sadness and the relief of pain in which at times feel compelled to watch a good sad film. I have also found that in times of greatest solitude that I can paint more as if compelled to express and bring outward my inner minds visions.
I do admit that at times I am on the edge of madness, I have put my mind through extreme pressure's to aid it to learn. The times I have thought over questions that can't be answered, The times its been the victim of abuse due to guilt, doubt, paranoia, fear almost as if even my own soul as been taken hostage by itself. I am a very strong willed to things as well and will stay up to the late hours working until I am secure and comfortable with myself and my work. Only last night I was up until 4 am working on my site. When it gets late my mind will exploded into a state of question and will seek the need for conclusion, I will throw all manner of questions at myself within and this will only add to me experiencing auditory hallucination's as if listening to a radio of mixed signals and with music, chatting, and other noise's coming and going.
Madness in public
Over my years in life I have coward away from people, from sexual encounters to the casual conversation. I have never felt confident in who I am and In how I believe people perceive me. I have for many years simply blended in and hidden away from social interactions. But through times in my life will my ego erupt and for some time I will become fearless, when I was younger alcohol would allow me to feel strong but all it does now is throw me out of sanity all together and would probably end with me getting sent in jail for losing all sense. I do also on occasion enjoy play acting in public and like to invent other characters that I feel would be able to cope with the world around them. The other day I couldn't resist pretending to be mentally disabled as if I was very backward and took great amusement in sucking my thumb in front of people. On that note I also like to prank people by pretending I know them and then bringing in outrageous statements about things I make out they have done, one bloke once turned around and said are you fucking mad, in which I actually delighted in thinking how narrow his thinking was to assume this of me. I do cross the line on many occasions and my girl friend bless her made me realise that I take things a little to far in which would in danger not only me but others around me.
Its been six months now I have been seeing my girlfriend Jackie and its been all round amusing and fun. And you can only imagine how much work I have been but I have always been good in relationships as I like to open up and communicate as much as possible. I did overstep things recently though as I became a bit needy and was staying allot at her house which made me loose all feelings of self and I needed to come home to chill and relax, plus as I am now gathering my thoughts about things.
Around two months ago I got into a spot of trouble with my ex and her new partner. The day after they snatched my lad from school and that was that. I have been going through very painful times not being able to see my kids and the longer it was the harder it got. I have had to apply for parental responsibility and being able to see the kids now and again. Its been a good long time and only yesterday I had some amazing news that would be seeing my kids on the 31st of august. I am both excited and scared about seeing them and hope they haven't changed to much. I am thinking of saving up and buying them a trampoline in the not to distant future.
I have recently started up fishing again which I really like, I paid about 90 quid to get my tackle again and have really enjoyed getting out and catching fish. The bit I like most about fishing isn't just catching the fish but the fact that I have to assemble the rig prior to fishing and also just observing the float as it waits for the bite. All in all fishing is a nice peaceful time for me and allows me to turn off.
Well my site is getting there but I am tired of writing now so Ill write more about that soon